


Prescription: Snark

by Wyndewalker



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, House M.D.
Genre: Community: trope_bingo, F/M, Gender or Sex Swap, Trope Bingo Round 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-24
Updated: 2013-08-24
Packaged: 2017-12-24 12:25:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/939988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wyndewalker/pseuds/Wyndewalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Anya makes a Wish Xander goes on a road trip to find a safer place to live than the Hellmouth. This is one stop along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Prescription: Snark

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly this was originally supposed to be an answer to a challenge prompt on Twisting The Hellmouth from a couple of years ago but I never got very far with it. In the challenge Faith was the pregnant one and Xander would find a way to transfer the baby to him then go on a road trip to find a safer place to live. Between my word limit and the fact I wasn't thrilled with the idea of a 17/18 year old newly female pregnant Xander going on a road trip I changed it to Anya and somewhere post-Glory. 
> 
> Anya doesn't come off very well in this but I needed her to be the bad guy. I do not believe what she says about being pregnant. Again, just needing a bad guy.
> 
> And I apologize for any medical inconsistencies.

"Honey, I'm home," Xander called out as he let himself into the apartment. "Giles called for a research meeting later. He said you left early... Anya? Are you okay? What's happened?"

He'd turned from putting his work boots in the closet to find Anya a miserable crying mess on the couch. Instantly he was by her side pulling her into a comforting hug. "Shh. It'll be okay. Whatever's wrong we'll fix it."

"Really?" She asked into his shoulder, clutching at his waist.

"Really. Whatever it is," he assured her.

"I'm pregnant," she said bluntly, sitting up so she could look him in the eye. "I want an abortion."

Xander froze staring at her, his mind still trying to process her first statement. That couldn't be right. Did she just say...?

"Are you listening to me, Xander? I said I'm pregnant." The way she said pregnant it sounded like an incurable disease.

"I-I heard you," he stuttered, gaze automatically dropping to her flat stomach. Suddenly he was grinning broadly. "We're gonna have a baby! This is great! I know we never really talked about it and we're not married yet but still... Wait." Xander ground to a halt as _everything_ she said sank in. "You want an abortion? Why would you want an abortion? Why would you want to kill our baby?" He was on his feet staring down at her, not even remembering getting up.

"Of course I want an abortion. I don't want this parasite inside of me," she yelled back, standing as well.

"How can you call our baby a parasite?!"

"Because that's what babies are. First they spend nine months literally leeching off their mother's body while making her sick and fat and eat weird foods. Then once it's born it spends 18 years or more leeching money and attention off its' parents."

Xander reeled in shock. It was like listening to his parents. How had he never known this about her? "How can you say that about our baby? How can you not want it?"

"Gods, you sound like a broken record, Xander," she sneered, a sudden gleam came into her eye that had him taking a step back. "You want this baby so badly then you have it. I wish Alexander Lavelle Harris was a girl and carrying this baby instead of me!"

Before Xander could even blink D'Hoffryn appeared in the room, a gleeful smile on his face. "Granted! Oh how I've waited for this day. Welcome back, Anyanka."

Another beaming smile and he was gone again; leaving behind a very female Xander and a suddenly not so righteous Anya. She took a step towards her former boyfriend but stopped at the malevolent look.

"Xander?"

"Don't. Just don't," Xander held up a slender hand, wincing at the now alto pitch of his... her voice. "We are going to the Magic Box where you're going to explain to everyone what you've done and then you and Buffy are going to come back and remove all of your things from the apartment."

"But..." Anya shut up under Xander's glare.

Thankfully the walk to the Magic Box didn't take very long. Xander had thought about driving but realized it probably wasn't a good idea in his... her mental state.

"Excuse me, miss, but we're closed," Giles said as they walked into the store. Then Xander's eyes met his. "Oh dear Lord. Xander?"

***************

Here she was five months later, pregnant and on a road trip looking for a place to settle down. Assuming she ever got out of this clinic.

Xander sighed as she shifted on the exam table. She'd felt great when she'd left New York. Dr Hank had given her a clean bill of health; saying she and the munchkin were doing just fine. Not too long after she'd entered the Princeton city limits her stomach had started to cramp though. Shortly after that she'd seen signs for a hospital. Following them, she'd eventually ended up at the clinic attached to Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. Now she was waiting for some pimple-faced Doogie Howser to show up.

Xander heard the thunk of a cane before the door to the exam room swung open. The first one to enter was a man in his late forties, maybe early fifties, limping with a cane and wearing a white coat. He was looking back over his shoulder commenting about someone’s incompetence so he didn't see her right away. When he did he stopped in his tracks causing the three student doctors following him to nearly run him over. He stared at her. She stared back.

"You're pregnant," he finally announced.

"Oh my God!" She gave her rounded stomach a shocked look then looked back up at him. "I totally didn't know that, Captain Obvious." Her tone turned dry as the desert. "I thought I was just fat."

Two of the student doctors were giving her prim glares while the third, a blonde guy, was snickering behind his hand. 'Captain Obvious' just quirked an eyebrow. In a mood Xander kept going.

"Actually I suppose that would be Doctor Obvious not Captain being as you're a doctor guy and not a military guy. So, Doctor Obvious, do you have any other astounding revelations that I already know that you want to tell me?"

Blondie was practically rolling on the floor laughing while the other two glared even harder. Doctor Obvious was grinning widely at her.

"I like you. You remind me of me. If I were a woman and pregnant. Which I'm not. Thank God. Now why are you here? You're clothes say you have money and you don't appear to have any bizarre symptoms. Why aren't you at your regular doctor's office?"

"Wow, you just don't even bother with tact do you?"

"Tact, subtlety and all that crap are highly overrated. And you're avoiding the question."

Xander shrugged. She really didn't feel like explaining the whole circumstances of how she was really a he but thanks to magic was now a she and pregnant and in search of a decent low vampire population area to settle down in. Instead she went with the short answer. "I don't have a regular doctor. I've been on a road trip and haven't found a place that feels right to settle down yet. Now, think you can tell me why my stomach has been cramping so I can be on my way? I don't think it's contractions. It's way too early according to all the books I've read but I'd rather be sure than have something be really wrong."

She'd barely finished speaking when another cramp had her curling around her stomach in pain. She vaguely heard something clatter on the floor before a pair of gentle hands were guiding her to lie back on the exam table. Another pair of hands lifted her legs to the table before spreading a light blanket over her lower half.

When she could finally relax she found herself clutching the older doc's hand. She smiled weakly. "Thanks, Doc, but I think we should at least exchange names before this gets past the hand-holding stage. Alexandria Harris. Just call me Xander."

"Doctor Gregory House. How far apart have the cramps been? Regular or irregular intervals? More or less painful than the one you just had?" He turned to look at the student doctors. "I want the portable ultrasound machine, one of you take her blood pressure, and prepare a syringe and vials for blood withdrawal. Well?"

He looked back at Xander who smirked. "No idea. Irregular as far as I can tell. That was one of the more painful ones,” she answered his questions.

House nodded rearranging the blanket and her gown so that her stomach was exposed but the rest of her was covered. He began gently palpitating the area adjusting the pressure whenever she hissed in pain. "How far long are you?"

"I'm roughly five months along," she said watching as Cameron prepared her arm to draw blood while Foreman took her blood pressure.

“This may pinch a little,” she said as she inserted the needle. “What about the father? Why isn't he with you?"

Xander snorted. " _He_ called my baby a leech and a parasite and wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy. For reasons I really don't feel like going into I couldn't stay where I was. So, road trip until I find someplace I feel like settling down."

“You may not have much of a choice soon," House said as Chase the portable ultrasound, quickly setting it up. Xander grimaced when the cold gel was applied to her stomach.

"You could have warmed it up or, you know, warned me it was cold," she bitched.

"But this was more fun," House grinned. "Good news is your spawn looks to be right on track for development and is in the expected place."

"Expected place? Where the hell else would she be?" Xander demanded.

"If the baby had started to miscarry and slip into the birth canal it could explain the cramps. She hasn't though. In fact," he flipped a switch filling the room with the sound of her heartbeat, "she's quite healthy. So I'm going to give you some Tylenol to ease the pain while the ducklings run a series of tests on your blood."

"Ducklings?" Xander started to ask then remembered the way the student docs were following House. "Nice. You must be fun to work for."

"I am an absolute joy to work with," House insisted as he administered the shot. "Try to get some sleep. We'll be back in a little while."

"Yay me," she muttered already beginning to doze.

**************

A couple hours later Xander was bored, hungry, and itching to get back on the road. Unable to do anything abut the first and last issue she grabbed her backpack from the chair next to the table. A quick search produced the cellophane wrapped goodness she was craving and it was only slightly squished.

Unwrapping the yellow sponge cake of bliss, she closed her eyes in anticipation. She'd just held it up to shove it in her mouth when suddenly it was pulled out of her hand. Her eyes snapped open homing in on House so she could glare at him. "What the hell?"

"That thing and all the other crap you've probably been eating are what's causing your cramps." House grinned as he slapped a bottle of Pepto Bismal into her hand.

"First, do not diss the Twinkies. They're the nectar of the Gods. Second, it's totally not my fault that I had a craving for a spicy beef burrito with horseradish and pineapple slices. I know it's disgusting but it's what the munchkin wanted," she pouted.

House just rolled his eyes. "Whatever. Blame it on the cravings all you want as long as you accept that with obscene food combinations comes painful indigestion. That is my prescription. Now go. Be free."

"Seriously? A bottle of Pepto is your prescription?"

"Well you could take Tums, Rolaids, or whatever your antacid of choice is. I thought you'd appreciate the pretty pink color."

"Do I look like a g-girl who appreciates pink?" Xander demanded almost calling herself a guy for a second. Seeing House about to open his mouth, she held up a hand. "Don't answer that. You are such a jerk," she muttered annoyed but amused at the same time. "Get out so I can get dressed."

Sketching a courtly bow, House whistled a jaunty tune as he limped from the room.

"Such a jerk," she repeated to herself, hurrying into her clothes. It was time to get back on the road. Something was tugging her south.

The end


End file.
